rough weeks

I've been sick for two weeks and it's the most discouraging thing that's happened to me for a long time. I've had to have a lot of really hard conversations with girls I'm discipling and i might have to tell someone to step down from leadership tomorrow. Almost all my leaders at SWIC are gone after the semester break, and we had two snow days during the days I was going to table.

Then tonight, I went out with Devin. Now, I've been looking forward to that all week. He's been insanely wonderful since i've been sick and I was looking forward to processing some things with him and just in general being around him.

But then, it was one big mis-communication fest. I felt like we were just missing each other all over the place. At one point, we were at starbucks and he's like, "we should probably go" and i'm like "ok" and then he said "I hate it because I'm really enjoying this conversation." I said "really? cuz I think it's stressful."

Weeks like this make me feel like I'm failing as a human being.

I Wish a Boy Lived Here

I've decided that it's just not practical for us to live here without a boy.

I'm half joking. But only half. Elizabeth is visiting this weekend, and she comes into my room at 5am, saying that a man is banging on our front door. Now, one would think that we'd just answer it right? But it's a man, and it's 5am, and our neighborhood isn't great. So we don't want to do that. Eventually, all four of us are huddled in my room, listening to them bang on both of our doors. Now, we thought about the possibility of there being an emergency or something and someone actually needing us, but we thought that if that was the case, the person would say why they were here.

So Bri calls the cops. (that's kinda what she does) And what happens? The cops come, and the whole time it was our upstairs neighbors knocking cuz Bri blocked them in with her car. Cop and neighbor treating us like we're idiots. Maybe we are. But you know, 3 single girls just don't answer the door at 5 am when they've had bad neighbors before. That's all there is to it.

I hate feeling afraid. I'd prolly still be afraid if I were a boy. But I bet I wouldn't be as afraid. The funny thing is that my first instinct is to call Devin. But really, what can he do about it? I mean, I wouldn't want him to come over in the middle of the night when he has to drive 20 mins to get here. But I still wanted to call him. The heart is a funny thing. Like, I've just kind of gotten used to him taking care of me in a lot of little ways. Fixing things, picking me up at doors so I don't get cold, buying me cute socks to wear with my flats cuz my feet were cold the other day. And so any time I need something, my first instinct is to call him and see if he can fix it somehow. And I know he'd be willing to if he could. Or at least he'd remind me who Jesus is with a really calm, steady voice and tell me that I'd be fine because the God of the universe calls me His child.

It's a weird feeling to trust him like that. I just don't usually trust people I guess. But I trust him a lot. Ultimately though, my hope and trust are in Christ and it's good for me to remember that. Devin's a person, and will let me down. Jesus is Jesus, and won't.

Sidenote: he brought me flowers yesterday because he "needed an excuse to come over here." Seriously...

It's good that I'm not a boy

Here's a funny story for you:

So yesterday I had the bright idea to take Devin out on a date. And when I asked him and he got all excited and his eyes lit up and all, I knew that it was about time for that. So I spent waaaay more time than I want to admit planning out this date (the theme was "weird stuff in st louis that we've never done) and I was fairly proud of myself. Course, I was late (what else is new...). We went to this really random old restaurant with fireplaces everywhere which was cool and then we went to a chocolate bar. Girls, if you're ever in St. Louis, we've gotta go to this place. It was so weird/cool. Red walls and red lights. Kind of perpetually Valentine's Day. Then...we went to this bar where a blues band was playing. They were HORRIBLE. Haha, and one of the singers was licking the microphone. Not to mention that one of the guitarists was staring at me and trying to get me to dance with him the whole time. HAHA...so awkward. And then we almost crossed a physical boundary of ours. By that I mean, one of our boundaries is that I won't kill him. And I got lost and went the wrong way on a one-way street down by Soulard. hahahahaha...In the end there's grace however, and he sent me the most precious email about how much fun it was.

I like that boy.

In other news, today I was thinking a lot about Hosea 2 and listening to Johnny P's sermon on it. At the end it says, "you will call me 'my husband' and no longer 'my baal.'" Johnny P was saying how often we think "loving God" is just serving Him and we miss out on the intimacy of having a God who can be called "my husband." Ahhh I know how that is. I'm praying that I will experience that kind of intimacy with my God. The kind that says "my husband" and not only "my master."

Love you guys.

Scary

This whole dating thing is a little scarier than I thought it would be. Sure, it's not the first time I've dated someone, but that was so long ago and it's just a lot different. I needed to put this somewhere so this is the place. Sorry if it makes you gag. But that's part of that honesty thing, right?

I like him so much. So much in fact, that if he's not here at any point, I wish he was. Pretty much anything I do, I'd rather be doing with him. Oooh that's scary. It puts me in this vulnerable place that I don't like. What if he doesn't like me that much? What if I just don't know how to read him? What if he regrets this whole thing and just doesn't know how to break it to me? I see myself falling so far for him. And sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night because I was dreaming about him and I can't go back to sleep.

This dating thing is distracting! Not in a super bad way, I mean, I'm doing the things I need to do. And actually, my times with the Lord have been really regular and really good over the past few days. (It helps that he's constantly asking about them or asking what I'm learning, so processing just happens naturally.) But in general, my head is in the clouds a lot more than it was.

The other day, Devin was over here and he used my computer and saw that I had a blogger tag and was like "do you have a blog?" And I told him about the underground blogging, and he said "what's the name of yours?" And I was like "definitely not telling you that..." He said "oh come on, i'm not gonna read it, i'm just curious." Haha...riiiiight.

In other news, I read Psalm 45 yesterday (one of my favorites) and fully reccomend you guys reading it and reading this commentary on it: http://www.spurgeon.org/treasury/ps045.htm Such good stuff, and so focused on the beauty and majesty of Christ. Lovin' the Psalms these days :)

I just thought I'd put up here what I was thinking about in my quiet time this morning. This is my response to reading Galatians 2:1-16.

I love laws. It’s kind of a weird, love/hate relationship, but I love them. It’s easy for me to create them and keep them, waaaay easier for me to love the Lord my God with all my heart soul mind and strength. Because of this, sometimes I think it’s easier for me to be like Peter and just try to force people to live by a standard rather than really spurring them on to love and good deeds. So how do I do that? Point people to Christ rather than just behavior modification? Well I suppose that it starts with me loving Christ with all my heart and not just looking to behavior mod. The thing is, I was never justified by the law. If the law is my scale, than I am dead. Sentenced to an eternity in hell apart from God, and therefore all that is good. It’s so hard to accept that it’s only by Christ’s sacrifice that I am justified. Oh Lord, please plant this idea firmly in my heart so that I don’t lead others astray. Father, their hypocrisy led even Barnabas astray; I don’t want my disciples to learn from me that what’s important is appearing good, following a certain set of rules. But rather, let me preach justification by faith alone and obedience as a response to the immense love I have for you. God I pray that I would be so caught up in you, madly and deeply in love with the only One who really knows me and loves me completely, that I would obey you in love. I pray that people would be challenged to love you more and to have more faith in you after they spend time with me…not that they would be challenged to work harder to earn your favor.

it's a problem

I am so lazy. Sometimes I amaze myself at just how lazy I can be. Like right now, I just want to sit and do nothing and I know I could do that for hours. The problem is that I don't see that as sin. Hmmm.

Today, I'm in a lot of pain. My chest hurts whenever I breathe out, my back and left leg are killing me (I slipped on the ice tuesday) and one of the lymphnodes on my leg is so swollen that i almost cry when I move wrong. I hate that. Hate it hate it hate it. And it makes me all sorts of whiny. But on the other hand, I desperately don't want anyone to know about it. Why do you suppose that is? It's not my fault that I hurt...hmmm. Well I guess I'm telling you guys so that it's out there.

Well hello...

Well hello there blogging community. It's good to "see" you guys on here and to know that there's going to be a place for my thoughts. And I'm pumped to read your thoughts.

I'm fighting the temptation to make this uber-spiritual and only right all the good things I've been contemplating about Jesus. I mean, I want to write those too...but I don't want to make it sound like that's all that goes through my head. Because it's not. So here I go...just some thoughts for this first post. In bullet form cuz i'm tired and that's what I do.

• It's so cold outside. Like, so cold that my doors are frozen shut and there's so much ice on my windshield. There's very little that I hate more than scraping my car off in the morning. And then I'm late for things because I didn't think well about the ice that would for sure be on my windshield. Grrrrrr. I feel like sometimes I just can't be together. You know, like I am just so scattered and I can't find my keys or my purse and then I have to scrape my car. Makes me feel a bit like a failure at life if you want to know the truth.
• Lately I've been reading Galatians. Today, I spent a lot of time thinking about the part in chapter two when it says that John extended the right hand of fellowship to Paul and Barnabas because he could see the grace given to them. It made me think a lot about what it would look like for me to really embrace the fact that the only thing I have to commend me to someone--my only credential--is the grace given to me. Like, anything I have going for me is because of the grace shown me. Which made me think a lot about the Gospel. guys, I'm obsessed with it. I just can't get off of it. He did that because He loved me. Can you imagine how painful it must have been for Jesus to die and to think that He didn't deserve it at all. And instead of screaming out at the crowd "Im doing this because you all suck!" he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do..." It's a little crazy for me to think about.
• I just went on the best first date in the history of first dates, I'm pretty sure. Like, I'm a little delirious about it and I've been giggling since I got home. I just really like him a lot. It's hard for me not to spend the entire date saying "do you have any idea how much I like you?" haha. It feels really good to be able to sit down with a guy and eat dinner and talk about the resurrection. haha. I just feel insanely lucky. I'm trying to find the balance between being head over heels and being really guarded cuz i'm afraid that he doesn't like me as much as I like him or like something will go horribly wrong or something. If you guys wanted to pray for me to have wisdom on that front, I wouldn't complain :)

I love you guys. And someday my thoughts will be more coherent. I'm just so tired right now and tomorrow's a two campus day..."two campus shuffle" devin calls it. haha sounds like a country line dance to me. anyway, that's what i'll be doing tomorrow. i might even wear a cowboy hat.